Communication Is the Heartbeat of Relationship

If communication is indeed the heartbeat of relationship, it's little wonder that most relations are on coronary care. Once again we are confronted with another absurd reality. Our culture deprives us of the most fundamental education that we require to succeed in our relationships. Learning the subtleties and nuances of meaningful and effective communication are the cornerstones of successfully relating.
In effective communication, which incidentally is a very rare event, we need to first establish a shared meaning around the words, constructs and ideas that we are discussing and then further that meaning in a coherent flow of dialogue. Such a skill set enables relationships to thrive, businesses and organizations to be more productive and nations to create and sustain peace. What could possibly be more essential?
Shared Meaning
We take for granted that our words convey exactly what we intend them to. This is a particularly misinformed assumption. I have observed that upon deeper scrutiny, the words, let alone the concepts, tend not to be received in the way the messenger intends. By the time a few sentences have passed, we may have a totally missed communication. How often do we pause and considerately ask the other what they mean by the word or words they are using?

Although this problem is more glaring in confrontational discourse, it impacts amicable conversations as well. "You don't know how to be intimate," she exclaims. He retorts, "I don't know how to be intimate? You're so angry and cold who would ever want to be intimate with you?" In the following minutes this couple is off to the races, pushing buttons and hurling invective.
They are arguing around the word ‘intimate.' Yet, no one has bothered to share or inquire what intimate suggests. She might be referring to emotional intimacy; he might be thinking of sexual intimacy. This is a common disconnect. Yet the problem runs deeper. Let's give them the benefit of the doubt and assume they are fighting about whether he can or cannot be emotionally intimate. Have they ever discussed the concept of emotional intimacy and reached a shared meaning? This would be most unlikely.
How can we discuss or argue the virtues of something when we are speaking differing languages? When we seek to learn a new language, we must first understand what the word means when it is translated into our native language. That said the subtleties and nuances might still be different, so we need to come to appreciate these differences to communicate well. Yet, we don't bother to discern those more subtle differences when we both speak the same language. We assume the words have the same meaning for each of us. They ordinarily don't.
Coherent Communicating
Let's move this couple into the art of coherent communicating. His more proper response to her accusation might be to inquire as to what she means by the word intimate. This would require that his button not be pushed in a reactive and defensive manner, and that he respond in a balanced and sensible way. After all, his partner is upset with him. Why not find out what is truly troubling her? If he doesn't fully appreciate what she is feeling and trying to communicate, how can they ever move to resolve the emotional upset? So, in this instance, he might elect not to be right, not to prove her wrong, and try to comprehend what is stirring her upset. A more educated response might sound like, "Yikes, that feels hurtful. Please tell me what you mean by intimate and how you feel I'm failing you?" That response might actually foster a generative discussion instead of breaking down into yet another meaningless argument.
Of course, the problem lies with her as well as with him. He'd have to be very far along in his shared meaning and dialogue education to be able to reflectively inquire as to her meaning rather than simply react. To further the possibility of meaningful conversation, she might have begun with, "I'm really feeling sad and shut down that you don't share your more private thoughts and feelings with me. I feel like we're strangers just going through life together but not really connecting. Do you feel that same about me?" Imagine how differently that conversation might flow.
Language only represents thoughts, beliefs and experiences, and should not be taken as a literal or objective reality. Words don't mean the same thing to all of us. In fact, they ordinarily evoke differing connotations based upon each individual's experiences. We often end up in disagreements without clarifying what it is that we're arguing about. Just consider the confusion around the word ‘love.' One person says to the other, "I love you." The other responds, "No you don't." Are they speaking of loving one another or being in love: Eros? Is anyone clarifying? Ordinarily we aren't.
In the Greek language there are numerous words for love. The Greeks clearly appreciate the myriad nuances to this word. We need to take the time to illuminate and appreciate what the other truly means by the word. What sense does it make to argue about whether you are intimate or loving if we're talking about two different things? We must look beyond the word - the label - and find shared meaning in our communications.
When we ask one another what the word or concept means, we are in fact being very intimate and respectful. Taking the time to inquire as to what the other is truly intending to communicate honors the exchange. Sharing meaning is a precursor to an intimate exchange and opens the doorway to genuine dialogue.

Katy Perry and Russell Brand: How Do You Start Your Marriage Right So It Doesn't End Wrong?

Katy Perry and Russell Brand may have had a courtship and a wedding to remember, but that is all they'll have left now that Brand recently filed for divorce from his wife of 14 months. The pop star and the actor tied the knot during a lavish ceremony in India after knowing each other for only four months. At first everything seemed great and they appeared to thrive, even soar, despite their dissimilar backgrounds — he is a recovering drug addict and she was raised by a deeply religious Christian family. But then, as it usually does, reality set in.
So often the most challenging year of marriage is that first year — when the big issues come into play. Where should we live? Whose career should take precedence? When do we have children? How many should we have? That is when, as I discuss in my book What About Me? Stop Selfishness From Ruining Your Relationship, you make that big push away from being a "me" to working and living together as a "we." But forging that "we" can be tenuous because you are so used to living alone and thinking about yourself first; to suddenly be accountable to someone else and no longer consider what is best for me but instead what is best for us can be a shock to your system and, quite frankly, can sometimes start to feel like a sacrifice.

Page Six of the New York Post, as well as other publications, reported that Brand was pushing to settle down and start a family, while Perry wanted to focus on her career and music tour. The couple reportedly battled over this before Christmas, and then spent the holidays apart. I witness this over and over again in my practice and I always say the same thing. It is so important to discuss these defining issues with your partner before you have that expensive wedding, and before you decide to say, "I do," because without that you really don't know what you are agreeing to. Many times people start out with the fantasy and never address the reality and the expectations that brings, each thinks they will deal with it when the time comes and hope the other will go along with whatever their need is. Or if they had protested before or didn't want to do it in the past, that somehow you will get them to change their mind. But that doesn't work, as we see here and as we saw with Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries. Hollywood couples in particular are already leading such big glittery lives that it seems they often get carried away. People talk around these decisions, thinking love is all they need.
But that fairy tale of true love is not enough. Love is a great place to start. That attraction, passion, and mutual devotion can be your diving board but you have to know what pool you are jumping into to make it work. And it has to be about pooling your resources, sharing, and becoming a team. To get there you have to lay out your individual needs and hopes before you have gone too far. Mid-dive is not a good place to realize what lies below isn't what you were expecting or what you think will make you happy in the long run.
I often think of how we take the time to plan a vacation. We decide where we want to go, where to stay, eat, and tour. You wouldn't jump into the car without any thought and head to a destination. Why would you do that with a marriage? Learn what your partner wants out of life, and what they expect from you and the home you build, before you commit to being together forever. That is the only way to ensure a happy future and continued travel together. My advice is to deal with the "me" and the "we" before you get married so that you don't have to later ask, what about me?

Beware of (Horny) Men Bearing (Empty) Promises

Men like having sex much more than they like responsibility. And women don’t mind and even like sex, but they can’t stand empty promises by men to get it from them.
I don’t know how often this occurs, but there is a not infrequent situation where a man is sure about wanting sex and may wax and wane eloquently about a wondrous future filled with romantic vacations to a woman he is pursuing in order to land her in bed. Once he has her, those promises can often fade and if the woman asks about his fulfilling what he promised, he accuses her of pressuring him and tells her to stop nagging. To compound the problem there are few things that take away a man’s desire to spend his life with a woman than her pressuring him to make good on what he promised.
However even as he resists and can become petulant about it, he may nevertheless be building an emotional dependency on her underneath. If she reaches the point, especially after her friends and family insist that he is toying with her, of delivering an ultimatum of either get engaged/married or break up and if it is not a bluff, the fear of losing her can cause that man to accede to her insistence for all the wrong reasons — not wanting to lose her vs. wanting to be with her.
Also not infrequently if the man under pressure agrees to the marriage, but feels he didn’t choose it, he can respond by withholding love and attention. And if the woman is oblivious as she becomes consumed with planning the wedding with her friends and family while the man feels like a unengaged Ken doll onlooker, he can further react by becoming even less loving.
Sadly I have seen such a switching off of desire last for decades in the man as a reaction to feeling he didn’t choose the marriage but was forced even as the couple produces children, buys a homes, etc.
Here is the real rub.  One of the worst feelings a woman can have is to feel coldness, contempt or nothing in the part of her where she is supposed to feel warmth.  Women have confided in me that a woman without warmth is not a woman (alternatively men have confided in me that a man without courage is not a man).  When men withdraw or withhold caring towards a woman or worse act sullen, petulant or complaining (since they have lost that loving feeling), it can cause a woman to lose her warm feelings towards that man.  And underneath the anger a woman may feel toward a non-loving or unloving man is a unconscious fear that she has lost her warmth, is no longer a woman and is trapped.
What’s a woman to do to prevent this very sad fate?
At any given moment when the man’s desire is waning you can tell him he is “free to leave” and that you don’t want to be with him unless he wants to be with you. Ironically, if you do that, the men worth keeping may then rediscover their desire. In fact a woman who is wise enough to never let the man feel so sure of her may have a man always desiring her. We call this being coy and it is not game playing, but rather knowing that a man feels better when he is pursuing a prize than when he is being told to do something.
What’s a man to do if he has lost that loving feeling because she “pressured” him to get married?
Realize that she didn’t put a gun to your head.  You’re the one who made the promises that you didn’t intend on keeping or did until you realized that it meant living up to a lot of responsibilities, which may have intimidated you.  Instead of pulling away and emotionally disengaging for  years or even the entirety of your marriage, tell your girl friend/fiance that the fear of not living up to those responsibilities mixed with her excitement about getting married and planning the wedding is very upsetting.  That will hopefully give her the opportunity to say to you, “I understand that and I think we can figure out and meet those responsibilities together. If you don’t want to get married or if you can’t decide until that fear goes away, I don’t think it will.  However I think every couple and every husband to be goes through this, but at least we’re talking about it.”  Just that understanding can cause you to realize why you love and want to marry to her.
I remember years ago a very touching scene when a woman was by the bed of her dying husband after being married for sixty years. In an unforgettable moment she whispered to him, “I’ve been lying to you for over sixty years.”
Half conscious he looked confused and said, “What?” whereupon she said, “Yes, for our entire life together, I’ve been mad about you and sexually crazy about you, but I never told you, because I knew you liked the chase.”
At that point he reached over to her and smiled weakly and said, “That’s one of the things I loved you for.”

How Women Fantasize About Sex

men and women both think about sex, but women go farther

Everyone's happy when the sex is good! But if the sex isn't that great, does that ruin everything? Not if you keep the big picture in mind!Do you think this cartoon is right? Do men judge their own performance more critically than women do, and are women able to enjoy sex, yet still remember what's most important in the relationship, and why she might go for him anyway?
Personally, I hope he's great in bed, and out of bed: a perfect storm.
Here's another Psych Today cartoon about dating you might like. A dog is included.

Are You with the Right Mate?

A Critical Difference

There's a difference between fighting for what you want in your relationship and being in direct control of your partner, demanding that he or she change, says Real.

Firmly stand up for your wants and needs in a relationship. "Most people don't have the skill to speak up for and fight for what they want in a relationship," he observes. "They don't speak up, which preserves the love but builds resentment. Resentment is a choice; living resentfully means living unhappily. Or they speak up—but are not very loving." Or they just complain.

The art to speaking up, he says, is to transform a complaint into a request. Not "I don't like how you're talking to me," but  "Can you please lower your voice so I can hear you better?" If you're trying to get what you want in a relationship, notes Real, it's best to keep it positive and future-focused.